A "First 48" Session for my Sweet Lucas

Friday, December 14th, 2012...I was six weeks pregnant and thought for sure we had lost this little one.

Monday, December 17th, 2012...An ultrasound of our tiny baby showed a heartbeat.  We hadn't lost him afterall.  But that heartbeat was quite low so we'd come back in two weeks to check it again.  Felt like the longest two weeks of my life.

Tuesday, January 8th, 2013...A follow-up ultrasound showed our tiny baby had a very normal heart rate.  And I felt my lungs release a slow breath of relief and gratefulness. 

Friday, March 29th, 2013...Our 20-week ultrasound revealed a perfectly healthy little baby boy and once again we counted our blessings as we remembered where we were at just 14 weeks earlier and thought about what could have been.

Friday, August 9th, 2013...At 8:00am we casually (and excitedly) walked into Maple Grove Hospital, anxious to meet this little miracle of a baby and hold him in our arms for the first time.  The morning was calm and nerve-wracking and exciting and peaceful all at the same time.  The things I hope I never forget about the morning we became a family of five:
--Hugging Caleb before we walked out the door on our way to the hospital...thinking this is the last time I hug him when he is my baby...in a few hours, there would be a new baby and Caleb would suddenly look much bigger to me.
--Looking over at my dad as I was getting my IV put in and seeing all the love a daddy has for his grown-up little girl...mixed with a little concern.
--That Mackenna came along, brought her stuffed bunny for me to hold, and held my hands as I got my "pokes".  And then the tears she shed when we told her that she needed to go back home and wait until our baby was here...she wanted to stay with me...and she threw her little arms around my neck in a hug that I can still feel.  Oh how I love my kids...we are SO blessed.
--Justin.  Smiling confidently at me so that I wouldn't be nervous.  Holding my hand and whispering words of calm, peace, and encouragement throughout the surgery.  Tearing up and grinning ear to ear when he caught that first glimpse of our healthy baby boy.  Singing, bouncing, laughing as he held his new baby for the first time...the epitome of pure joy.
--My mother-in-law SO excited to meet her newest grandson...I don't think the smile faded from her face all day.
--The way my mom stayed with me in the hospital that night, getting absolutely no sleep, helping to care for myself and her new grandson so that Justin could be at home managing Mackenna's diabetes.  Such a loving and servant-hearted woman.
--And of course meeting my new son.  I remember the doctors and nurses making 10 pound guesses on his weight before it was announced.  I remember that he had hair...very unlike our other two kiddos.  I remember us laughing about how he kept sticking his tongue out.  I remember holding him for the first time...nursing him for the first time...kissing him for the first time and just feeling so blessed. 

Lucas Jack Sutkowski

August 9, 2013

10:00am

9lbs 8.4oz

21.5in

perfect.

miracle.

blessing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Mackenna...my tiny hero

It's been three weeks now, since Mackenna was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.  We've had bad days and good days.  It seems to be one of those 2-steps-forward-1-step-backwards kind of situations.  After a few really great days last week, we had a moment on Sunday when I stood outside our bathroom listening to Mackenna cry and scream through an insulin injection and I just lost it.  It is by FAR the most difficult thing I've ever had to do...listen to my own child cry and scream through something that we have to do to her 4 times a day.  It's not always that bad.  Sometimes there are no tears and no screams...and those are the times when my blood pressure drops closer to normal and I feel hopeful for better days ahead. 

Our first night in the hospital, I slept for 45 minutes.  The rest of the time, I watched her, prayed for her, cried...and I wrote her a letter.  I hadn't read it again until this morning and it was almost therapeutic for me.  Funny how I wrote these words to comfort and encourage her...and they are now comforting and encouraging me...God is funny like that.  Here is part of what I wrote...maybe these words can be of comfort to you as well...

"...with all that is changing and new for you, many things have not and will not change at all.  Your mommy and daddy adore you.  We love you tons and we are amazed at how brave you are.  But as much as we love you, (and as hard as this is to believe) there is One who loves you even more.  God loves you more, Mackenna!  He is holding you when you're scared and when you're hurt.  He is the Mighty Healer.  He loves you so much that He would rather die than be without you...and HE is in control of all of this.  I'm so thankful for a God who cares so deeply for his children...knows what they need...and does not hold back.  I'm pretty sure we are all going to learn a lot more about God's love and provision as we journey through this new life together..."

I can't have a blog post without photos!  I took these after Mackenna's preschool graduation, one week after being home from the hospital.  The things I notice about these images...
--I notice the pink bracelet on her wrist that says, "I have Type 1 Diabetes."
--I notice the bandaid on her finger from a poke earlier that day.
--I notice the huge smile on her face.
--I notice her gorgeous blue eyes.
--I notice her goofy, silly personality.
--I notice that while many things have changed, more things have stayed the same.
--I realize how incredibly blessed we are to have been able to brought our sweet girl home from the hospital on May 9th...because I know many parents take their children to the emergency room and do not get to take them home again.
--I remember that God is good.

 

 

 

 

The day our world turned upside down...

It's 3pm.  Exactly one week ago I sat at my desk and watched my 4-year-old go potty for about the fourth time in an hour.  It had been like that for about three days.  I thought it was strange...maybe she had a urinary tract infection...maybe she was just keeping herself really hydrated.  But at about 3pm exactly one week ago, a thought occurred to me that maybe...just maybe...it's diabetes.  My little brother was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when he was thirteen and the memories of him in the days before his diagnosis came flooding back...the excessive drinking and urinating was one of the things I remembered. 

My heart began to race a little.  I called a friend of ours who is a physicians assistant, but I could hardly wait to hear back from him.  My intuition was telling me to just put her in the car and take her to the clinic.  And that's what I did.  I called my husband on the way and he met us there.  On the way there, I called my mom because knowing that she went through the same thoughts 18 years ago, I knew she would understand my sense of urgency. 

When we got to the clinic, I filled out the paper work and the question asking why we were there.  In the blank I wrote, "diabetes?" 

I remember giggling with Mackenna about how silly it was to try and go pee-pee in a cup. 

I remember waiting for what felt like HOURS for the doctor to come back in and tell us the results of her urine test.

I remember the doctor looking into my face and saying these words that I will never forget, "Mackenna has diabetes."

I remember hot tears forming immediately because I knew what that meant.  I knew a new kind of life was necessary.  I knew she would be hospitalized and she would be scared.  I knew she would need to get used to multiple pokes and injections every day for the rest of her life. 

I remember the doctor continued to talk, but I didn't hear any of it.  I just wanted to hold my girl, who was confused about why her mommy was crying.  I wanted to hold her and go back to yesterday so badly.  And at the same time, I wanted to rush out of that clinic and get her to the hospital as quickly as I could so the situation could not get any worse. 

My husband drove the kids home and I followed them in his car.  I called my mom first.  Through tears and a shaky voice all I said was, "She has it.  She has it.  Can you come?"  Then I hung up the phone and cried...prayed...and cried until I pulled into our driveway. 

We threw things into bags, called someone to meet us and pick up our 2 year old from the hospital, and drove (probably too fast) to Children's Hospital in St. Paul. 

I won't go into the details of our hospital stay...but will share some images.  I had my camera there at the hospital, but I couldn't get myself to use it.  I get so much joy from photography and it just didn't seem right to mix something I enjoy so much with this diagnosis and new life that I really just hated.  So I used my phone.  The images are not quality.  But they tell a part of her story...our story...and our hospital journey. 

(Just getting settled in the ER.  Tiniest little hospital gown I've ever seen.  This is before any pokes...before the horrendous IV experience...before she started to realize that the journey she was on would require a tremendous amount of strength and courage.)

(She's sitting on my lap on the hospital bed, being wheeled down to her room.  No tears for the moment...she is just a kid enjoying a "ride" down the hallway and up the elevator.)

 

(Settled in her room.  She has an IV on her left arm, covered with a washcloth that's being held on by two Bugs Bunny bandaids because she doesn't like looking at it.  She has her blankie and two piggers with her.  My goodness...I just adore her!)

 

(Trying to make light of the situation as much as we can, we name her IV "Frank".  Frank has to follow her around, even into the bathroom which she thinks is funny.  Later, when her IV is unhooked and they nurse started to wheel Frank out of the room, Mackenna got sad and asked if he could stay...right by her bed, even though he didn't need to be there.)

 

(I posted this image to Instagram with the caption, "watching her sleep...praying over her tiny body...wishing I could take her place"  This is the image that gets me every time.  I love it.  I took it at around midnight.  We were alone in her room, just her and I.  She had been asleep for about an hour and I couldn't stop staring at her.  As long as she slept, she didn't have to be scared...didn't have to think about pokes...didn't have to wonder why her mommy couldn't stop crying.  I wrote her a letter at the same time I took this picture that I may share at some point.)

 

(This was taken before bedtime on our second night in the hospital.  She had been playing doctor with her daddy.  By the time she was done giving him all the pokes he needed "to make him strong and healthy" he had bandaids on every finger, most of his toes and even one on his butt.)

 

(Heading home from the hospital.  We were ready to leave...but I was terrified that she didn't realize all the pokes and injections were also coming home with us.)

 

 

 

The next day was Friday.  It was beautiful outside, so we ventured out to one of Mackenna's favorite parks.  And I took my camera.  Because it was a happier time.  We were home.  We still have our giggly, silly, caring, beautiful little girl in our lives.  And she was loving every minute of her playtime at the park.  It felt alright to take a "good" photo. 

 

 

 



Muddy Fun!

One year ago, our family was invited over to their family's house for dinner.  The daddies wanted to throw a baseball around and headed out back to the park near their house...and the girls wanted to tag along.  The moms and babies stayed in.  After a little while, us moms peeked out the window to see the daddies thoroughly enjoying their game of catch and, and the girls (age 3) thoroughly enjoying the seriously wet and muddy baseball field!  What would any mom in her right mind do?  Grab her girl and drag her inside before the mess got even worse?  NO!  Grab her camera and capture the magic!  This is what we saw...

 

Happy Halloween!

Since Mackenna was one, we have taken her (and now Caleb) to our favorite apple orchard and pumpkin patch for photos in her Halloween costume.  I am so glad we do this early in October because it means we don't have to worry about settling down excited trick-or-treaters for photos before we hit the streets tonight!  Anyway...this year we have Rapunzel and a monkey...the monkey was supposed to be Curious George but we had a hard time finding a CG costume that would fit.  Happy Halloween...from our house to yours!